DUOFILIA

You cannot make up stuff like my day today.

First some background. Mom watches the girls as I go to my doc’s every other Friday for IV treatments. This week Winnie the receptionist and Doc Conway’s all-around handy woman calls me Monday and asks if I can come in Thursday instead because he has to go to a funeral. I say yes and check with Mom to watch the girls.

There may be a snow/ice storm tomorrow. So this morning, Winnie calls again and offers to let me come in today instead, in case of the storm. I really need the treatment. They can fit me in at noon. It’s 10:30 am, Doc Conway’s is one hour away, I’ve got twin girls still in their jammies (don’t ask). I’m still in my jammies.

The girl’s didn’t know what hit them. A whirlwind of clothes, shoes, spray bottle of water, combing, hoods yanked up. The same whirlwind hits me. We’re out the door. I then remember that we drove a friend somewhere last week and had to remove one of the car seats. I’ve never had to install a car seat since our van has integrated car seats. So I tell the girls to stand back and I heave the seat out of the trunk. The girls look concerned. I tried to get it back in the middle slot, where it was before. I yanked and pulled and cut my thumb. The girls took a step back. I started over in the next to the window and finally got it in. First time in their lives they haven’t sat right next to each other in a vehicle. I was sad; they didn’t seem to notice.

Twice on the hour trip North I start having abdominal cramping. Oh no. I imagine myself having to find a gas station or store, unstrap the twinlets (which takes minutes), herding them in, finding an employee, waiting for the bathroom to clear up, all while bend over and moaning. I drove faster. I did get on an off ramp the second time it happened, but I prayed hard and it cleared up and so I got back on the freeway. I made it to the clinic in time. Used the facilities, felt much better.

Today was the first day the girls witnessed an IV started on their mama. Doc Conway wheeled my IV pole to the back room where everyone else sits with their IV poles. My Dad was there with his. No really, this is not a dream. My Dad, who also has Lyme disease (and other big bad things) was actually there, with Mom. The girls thought it was great fun and passed the time on various laps. Another patient there found out I am an RN and started asking me how to get rid of her husband’s hiccups. Sydney ate a banana and Summerlyn ate an apple.

On the way home I decided to stop at the mall because JCPenney’s is having a big sale and it’s before the crowds. You know how I feel about crowds. I am super tired and so I get one of those rent-a-strollers and the girls take turns. Summerlyn, my very active, inquisitive little girl is acting like a limp noodle. She says she doesn’t feel good and wants to keep her coat on even though it’s very warm in the mall. Oh no.

I finish shopping and thinking that the girls didn’t have much for lunch, maybe they will perk up if I feed them. So we go up to the food court and sit down with a plate of chow mein noodles and vegetable spring rolls, which the girls love. Sydney ate a small portion and said she was full. Summerlyn, on the other hand, refused to even have a sip of juice to drink and laid her head on my lap. Oh no.

We finished and I put her back in the stroller. The next thing I did was a gift from God, a pure moment of inspiration. I gave her an empty styrofoam cup.

On the way out of the mall I stopped and returned the stroller. Still standing by the stroller kiosk, Summerlyn gets THAT look on her face. I say “IN THE CUP! IN THE CUP!” Up comes the apple remains in amazing quantities. Such a wonderful little girl, she spills not a single drop. All in the cup.

She immediately felt better and we went home. The girls fell asleep in the car. The nutty day is still not quite over. Not quite. As I’m driving my right eye starts burning for some unknown reason. I close it, driving with my good left eye and my nose starts itching so I scratch it. I then think of all the disgusting surfaces I’ve just touched in the mall and so I reach into my purse in the dark and find my little bottle of hand sanitizer. I squeeze and nothing comes out. I shake it and squeeze again and get a huge glob in my hand. I rub in on both hands, and the steering wheel and my jeans. That stuff is like pure alcohol and now my good eye is burning, tears streaming out of both eyes.

I am home now. Girl’s sweetly unconscious in their beds, safe. I’m going to bed now before anything else happens.

I came home late and the girls were already in the tub. I came in just as David said, “Summerlyn, smile real big.” She did and her father and I nearly had dual cardiac events. Her teeth were dark grey. We made Sydney smile. The same thing.

Tonight the four of us — David, the girls, and I — were sitting on the floor of their bedroom just before bedtime. It was time for prayer and we were discussing prayer requests. David said, I’m feeling pretty sick.” Sydney looked up at him with a gentle smile on her face and her arms around his neck and said, “But you can still be happy.”

David smiled, all his complaints suddenly drained away, and said, “Yes. I can still be happy.”

My husband is sick again. He usually doesn’t get sick this much or have it last this long but it’s been a bad season, and it’s only just begun. I think he’s unhealthy because he never exercises. Trust me, I’m not comparing his level of potato-hood to mine, because we are co-spuds. But tonight I suggested he should exercise more to get healthier. He says, as usual, that he would like to walk. But it’s raining. Note that this is Oregon. It does that here. Is that not a brilliant excuse if you ever heard one? He could be in Antartica and say he’ll start exercising as soon as the snow melts.

I suggested that he could use the clothes hanger in our bedroom. It used to be a recumbent bike, but it’s had a more efficient use for several years now. He answers, “I can’t. It makes my legs sore.”

After I was done laughing I agreed to that I wouldn’t post that comment on the blog. He changed his mind and so here I am. Still laughing, but awed. I couldn’t come up with such genius excuses not to exercise if I tried. And I have.

Anyone else recovering from the holidays? Oh wait, it isn’t over yet. I went to the mall tonight after work to look for Christmas gifts and was reminded why, every year, I wished I’d done this sooner. I am not a crowd person. Like my husband on Black Friday I hoped to get in and get out. But instead I felt like a Nascar in a parking lot. You can have the best intentions of getting from points A to B and get the checkered flag, but there are too many obstacles. There’s grandma and grandpa moving in their own time zone. Then you come across a group of adolescents, low-rise jeans and i-pods five kids wide in a no passing zone. Oh, and the double stroller — but the kids are walking next to it and mom’s carrying a bag of something huge, a jacuzzi I think, on the other side.

The key is to not make eye contact. Walk like you’re the only one in the mall. Which only works when you are walking opposite the flow of traffic. I’m small, so no one sees me coming up behind them. I take a split second to zip around them on the shoulder and nearly get nailed by a huge guy who sees a cell phone kiosk out of the corner of his eye and makes an unscheduled right turn. I was stuck in his shoe for hours before he scraped me off on the curb. Ok, that part isn’t true, but it could have happened.

I ended up getting one measly gift after darting in and out 234 stores. I couldn’t take it anymore and left, knowing full well that it will only get worse. Next time the halls will be filled with barking sea lions masquerading as Christmas shoppers and I hear they’ve scheduled cattle drives for the remainder of the season.