DUOFILIA

In my local paper this morning was a feature on how much Mt. Hood’s glaciers have shrunk in the past century. Where have these glaciers gone? They can’t be hiding. Glaciers are massive and unwieldy, so it’s not like you’d catch them on the video cameras at the local Food-o-Mart wearing trench coats and baseball caps. Nor have they been stolen, since that brings up obvious problems for the thief, such as transportation and storage. Scientists have ruled these possibilities out, which leaves the obvious cause: Global Warming.

Global Warming affects all of us. Yes, yes, anyone who has watched television or movies in the past few years knows that the global warming will suddenly hit a critical point one day and gigantic tidal waves will knock down the Statue of Liberty and wash it down Broadway. But I want to draw your attention to the situations that are caused by global warming but are not reported upon by the media. We are affected in our very homes, people.

The other day I went into the kitchen to meditate on lunch. Many of you are familiar with this routine which can vary from standing in the middle of the room, deep breathing and hoping a Lunch Idea will strike you, to ransacking the cupboards in hopes that the food you find can be mixed together into something edible, maybe even palatable.

That day, however, there was nothing. Have you experienced this? Oh, sure, there’s food, but nothing that can actually be combined. Peanut butter, artichoke hearts, black beans, and celery. (I don’t want to get comments from anyone telling me that they actually have a recipe using those very ingredients, because if you do I’ll know you’ve got issues.) Do you think it’s a coincidence that all of your kitchen staples have gone missing at the very same moment?

I have two 4 ¾ year-olds who are, meanwhile, getting hungry. Homeland Security status has gone Code Yellow. I found a bag of brown rice in the fridge. Ok. I can do something with this. I got the rice going on the stove, turned the timer on and left the kitchen. I have cooked rice a lot in my life. I know how much water to use and how much rice without measuring. But that day was different. Global Warming was occurring at a high rate in my house.

I heard the timer go off, so I went to the kitchen and witnessing smoke thickly blowing out of the rice pot. I grabbed it and put it outside and then opened all my windows. The girls were fascinated by my sudden movements, but now they just stood there. Hungrier. I voiced my concerns. “Um. I’m not sure what we’ll have for lunch today.” Little Sydney suggested peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Of course! I grabbed the bread, the peanut butter. Then I looked at the jam jar. There was only about a tablespoon left. Arrgghh!

I called my mother. She lives next door and we frequently bail each other out in food emergencies. “Can I borrow some jam?” She told me she only had about a tablespoon left. How can this be? She always has exactly what I need. Obviously Global Warming has spread everywhere. Must be why they call it “global.”

Then I realized I had bananas and honey. Peanut butter, banana and honey sandwiches! The day was saved after all. As I slathered the fifth out of six slices with peanut butter, I realized the bread was moldy.

Normally I will throw away the whole loaf if I see one slice with mold. But desperate times call for desperate measures. The mold was only a white dusting on the top crust, so I tore those parts out and finished the sandwiches and fed my girls and myself before they ate me.

So, readers, the moral of the story is that even though we like to make fun of scientists (they get excited about slime mold, for goodness’ sake), they might actually be on to something here. It’s all part of the big picture. You want to know where socks go when they disappear? Find those glaciers and you’ll find your socks.

Thought I forgot about Three Link Thursday, didn’t you? (Or perhaps you hoped.)

Just when you thought fashion wasn’t practical anymore.

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Despite my dreams of early retirement, this will be me someday.

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Don’t ask me how I came across this. I’m sorry I did, but now all of you must share in my agony. This is a genuine album cover. I apologize, preemptively, for the nightmares.

This is how my daughter feeds her baby. Thought I’d share it with all the new parents out there who are looking for time saving techniques.

Toby the Cat’s Midnight Howling

Wait until they sleep,
Stand close to their heads, hear snores;
Top of lungs: MEEEOOOOWWWW!!

Good news is that I’m finally getting over the bronchitis. Still wheezing and coughing, but not so violently. I also have a new doctor whom I really like; my last one was a jerk and a waste of my time. I still have a runny nose and I’m annoyed by my dependence upon the tissue box. Thus, I have come up with an invention:

The Nose Tampon!

They don’t call me brilliant for nothing. Not that anyone does. But if they did….

Think of it, you can buy a package of say, 40 Nose Tampons, each individually wrapped in paper or plastic. I haven’t decided about the applicator part. Anyway, so you’d insert the tampon in the nostril, using two unless you’ve got unilateral drippage. The tampon swells to fit the shape of the chamber and absorbs mucus. You can get the regular, super absorbant, or slim (for Michael Jackson sized nostrils). Unlike conventional tampons, there will not be deoderant options. But, one can select different colors so the dangling strings will match your outfit.

I thought about emailing my idea to Kleenex, but David tells me I should wait until the ambien wears off.