DUOFILIA

Last week it snowed here in the Willamette Valley of Oregon. It does that once or twice a winter and lasts anywhere from 30 seconds to two days. The snow is still here, people. This is wrong. Mostly because people in this part of Oregon don’t know how to drive in the snow. Rain, fine. But snow — “What is that white fluffy stuff falling from the sky?!?!” Instead of hiding indoors people run for their cars.

See this video of some of my fine fellow Oregonians, driving in the ice and snow. Now since most of us natives drive up to the mountains to go skiing, I can only make the assumption that these drivers are actually the thousands of Californian transplants that flock to Portland to reign havoc upon the roads. Now, I don’t have a problem with Californians. Some of my best friends are Californians. But if the sun isn’t out and pavement not dry, they can’t drive.

I left for work Tuesday morning at 0800 (that’s 8 AM for you non medical or military). I was doing just fine in my Taurus until I hit the freeways. Things slowed way down on I-205 but then I reached hell when I hit I-5. Normally, I’m on I-5 for only about 5-10 minutes. On Tuesday, I was stuck in psychotic driving, ice and snow hell for three hours. THREE HOURS. (Three hour tour – always a bad sign.) Every time I’d move forward toward an off-ramp, it would be closed, being totally clotted with stalled and spun-out cars and jack-knifed trucks. Just as many SUVs and trucks stuck as cars, I noted. Cars were spinning around me, one of the trucks in front of me started jack-knifing several times, but he was able to right it, thankfully. I thought I was stuck on I-5 all the way to Canada because there was no way off. At least in Canada, everyone can drive in the snow, so at least I would have gotten somewhere.

Here’s the worst thing. At breakfast I’d drank two glasses of juice. Plus water. I swore I’d never drink again. This poses no problem for you guys, but for those of us who are version 2.0…well. I couldn’t pull over to the side because I’d probably get stuck. There were trucks all around me who could clearly see into my car in the bright white light. I couldn’t get out of the driver’s seat because I had to keep inching forward or all was lost.

For a while I had hope of getting off the freeway and running in to the nearest gas station. But that hope quickly disappeared. My bladder was stretched to capacity and was killing me. Normally, I have no desire to be a man, I’m quite content with my gender, but — ok, I didn’t wish I was a man this time either, BUT I did have fantasies about catheters. Ooh, or adult diapers like the Chinese do.

Another hour ticked by and I realized that if I didn’t do anything my bladder would rupture, or urine would back up into my kidneys, or most likely, I’d just soak the seat with about a quart o’ pee. So I started looking around in the car and spied a plastic grocery bag. Thank goodness I made the plastic not paper decision at the store that time. I checked it carefully for holes. Those things ALWAYS have holes, designed so that your apples slide out of them in the parking lot so you have to go buy more. This one, miraculously, didn’t have any detectable holes.

So I grabbed a lovely wrap that my dear friend Tina (THANK YOU THANK YOU) crocheted me for my birthday and draped my lap, while looking at the driver’s around me, nodding and smiling, yes, nice day, isn’t it? Nothin’ goin’ on here. Nope, just driving.

I slid my pants and unders down, making sure they were totally out of the way in case the project went hideously wrong. Then, tucked the bag under me bum. Very carefully. I’m still inching forward in the snow, by the way. Glancing at the other drivers oh so casually.

Now what? I catch a glimpse of a red mechanics rag and grab it and stuff in under me. I figure I can’t release the whole shebang because there’s at least 1000 milliliters in there, and the bag would never be able to contain it in it’s current squashed state. So I figured I’d just take the top off, just decompress enough for the pain to go away and buy me so time.

Trying to urinate in the driver’s seat of a car is very hard. The brain says, “out, OUT!” but the body says, “what? Are you nuts? It’s the CAR SEAT!! Uh uh, no way no how.” Finally, I’m able to override the fail-safe and squeeze out enough to take the pressure off. I had planned for the event that I would have to stay at work overnight (the joys of being a nurse) because of the ice and so had a wash cloth that I used to uh, dab. I slid the bag out with great trepidation. It held!! No leaks!! I go to grin at the drivers around me and realize the blanket had slid nearly off my lap. Quickly pulling it up, I then tied the bag closed and pulled up the pants.

VOILA! All that accomplished PLUS I had advanced about 1/4 mile on I-5 and never spun out or slid once. Good thing I didn’t get in an accident, or I’d hear the paramedics explain to the ED staff, “yeah, we found her with her pants down, sitting on a plastic grocery bag, on Interstate 5.”

I got to work in five hours. I’ve learned two lessons. 1) Stay home when it snows; let the Californians blaze the trail, and 2) I have talents, which, as Tina suggested, should remain off my resume.

Have you ever thought, “I sure wonder what Sheryle keeps in her favorites folder.”

You say, “Why, no, I have never thought that.”

Excellent! Here’s some of my favorites sites:

Lazy Laces. I love Lazy Laces. Lots of one of my favorite genre of games, the Point and Click.  

Two of my favorite places to get way cool wallpaper are VladStudio and this site. At the moment I have Microbes on my screen. What do you mean I have issues?

Websites as Graphs. Type in a website and it shows you what it looks like as a graph. Be patient, it takes a bit to do its thing. There’s no purpose to it other than it’s just cool, ok? 

LifeHacker is a really cool, geeky site that contains tons of info that I can either use or that just makes me go, “huh?” But in a good way.

And for now, the last but certainly not least are two sites of pure fuzzy love where you can get your daily hit of “ahhhhhh”: The Daily Kitten and Cute Overload. Don’t stare at the fat furry bellies too long or you’ll get sucked in, no NO! Don’t do it!!

I’m back, I’m back! Just needed to peel off as much extraneous stuff in my life as possible for a while. I hope I didn’t lose anyone along the way.

I thought I’d share some of my top links; sites and pages I view or use often.

Blogs:

I look at more than these, so I may have missed yours in here. I have one friend, for instance, who writes a very private blog (I know, it seems like an oxymoron), so I won’t share it here. Neither will I share David’s blog but only because he hasn’t posted since 1979.

6andHolding, aka, A long Way to Go — This is my buddy Fred’s blog. Fred and I are very different in many ways but in other ways we are so alike it’s like we’re twins seperated by, well, you name it — birth, states, years, etc.. I can’t explain it. It just is. He’s one of the best men I know and I consider him my brother. He has (stupid, horrible) leukemia and is going through more than most of us could take, right now. Please support him by your thoughts and prayers and commenting on his blog on occasion. 

Lawbrat: This is Dawn’s blog. She’s a friend that I met from the blogosphere, probably over a year ago now. I don’t even remember how I happened upon her blog orginally. I had my second bout of college at the time (fourth bout, if you count individual colleges/universities, but second if you count degrees. Yes, I have a problem. And it’s not over yet.). But I digress. What I was getting to was that Dawn is in law school, plus she has very similar health problems, plus she’s Christian, plus she has a geek husband and sweet family. Just like me! She mailed me a great book for Christmas – Chicken Soup for the Christian Woman’s Soul – which has been a great inspiration to me. What a sweet person you are, Dawn!

Chai There! Meet Andrea. She is a lovely person with a lovely family and a brand new baby, who might be a pirate some day. Andrea gave birth to this babe at home, as she did her other two daughters, and wrote about the experience in her blog. It’s awesome, so check it out — assuming y’all are not wusses.

James Lileks: I don’t know James, but I enjoy his humor column in the Minnesota Star Tribune, very much. He’s got a smart but goofy sense of humor that reminds me of another great humorist, Dave Barry. Not strictly a blog, not strictly a column, so I guess it fits here.

Vive Le Vegan! Blog by vegan guru and cookbook author Dreena Barton. Great food ideas. I don’t have any of her cookbooks — yet.

Vegan Lunch Box: Jennifer McCann came up with the great idea of photographing the awesome meals she sends with her son to school. She became so popular she got published and has a new book out. She invited me a while ago to speak at the vegetarian group with which she belongs in her area, which I’d love to do when I get that direction one of these days.

I’d better stop there. I have more categories to share, but not for one posting. More later. Really.

The Lord’s blessing to all of you.

 

On this cold New Year’s morning I woke up to small children leaping in our bed, having apparently gone down to the market and ordered triple espressos with extra syrup, whipped cream and sprinkles before descending upon their peaceful, unconscious and unsuspecting parents. Wiggles, leaps and bounds. Giggles. Animal noises, squealing, ”I’m a naked mole rat, Mommy!!” We finally got them to go play somewhere else and just as they left and David started scooting my way in bed, a drowsy, somewhat grumpy warmth-seeking missle, Sera the cat jumped up and plopped down between us, purring. Then big Toby, the other cat, jumps up and pins me down on the other side of me like a gluttonous harbor seal. David gives up, but I still get rewarded because he fixed a wonderful breakfast of hashbrowns, tofu scramble, and fresh grapefruit.

1. I will be more grateful for all the gifts that God gives me every day such as beautiful, smart, active, little girls and a loving husband who thinks I’m a hottie even when I get up in the morning looking like, well, this.

2. I will get fit. I will ski next winter. I will. Screw you, Lyme Disease (that’s funny, because LD is caused by a spirochete, or corkscrew-looking bacteria, so get it, “screw you??” Never mind.)

3. I will get well. This is the last year of LD for me. Better get your affairs in order LD.

4. I will study the Bible more. I used to like to study first thing in the morning, but now I’m so tired that I have to just get up just in time to feed the family or go to work. So what? I can pick another time of day, can’t I? Plus, I will have Bible studies with my friend, starting this month.

5. I will embrace my inner slob. On one hand, I will try to do better about keeping things clean around the house. But if I’m too sick or tired and my choice is between reading a story to the girls or cleaning the kitchen, you will find me snuggled on the couch between two warm wonderful children. And, I won’t feel guilty about it.

6. I will help more people. One thing I’ve found, as many have before me, is that I feel better when I help people. I mean, not just emotionally, but mentally and physically, too.

Have a wonderful New Year. May God draw near to you and bestow His warmth and love upon you and your family.